What Not to Say or Ask Part 1

What Not to Say or Ask Part 1

After spending the weekend defending choices, dodging questions and just plain being dumbfounded... I realized that maybe I should write something about it.   I will just say that we had some family members visit, and they have some major misconceptions and fears about adoption that lead to awkward questions and me feeling like punching a wall.  So here is a list of things that were asked and commented on... in part 2 will be a list of things that I am anticipating to be asked or commented on.

1. Telling me an adoption horror story of how you know someone who adopted and their child was possessed. 
    Many things wrong with this one.  First when someone tells you they are pregnant you usually say congratulations and not tell them a horror story of birth.  You also wish them a happy healthy pregnancy and baby, not tell them how you know someone who gave birth to a one armed child.  When you come upon someone who has told you they are adopting, appropriate comments in this situation would be... congratulations, you must be so excited and so on.   Horror stories just reveal you to be uneducated about adoption or worse show that you think adopted children are 2nd rate.   Also as a side note, I do not believe in possession and feel that if our child had such a problem I would go to a medical professional and have my child treated weather adopted or not.

2. Asking how I am going to treat my adopted child if they end up having an affliction such as autism or aspergers.
     Also many things wrong with this question.  First off under the surface are you asking if I can return my child?  No, adoption is permanent   Second, are you assuming that all children who are adopted have problems?  No, there is the same distribution of "problems" in adopted children as biological children, we are expecting a happy healthy child just as anyone else would.  Third, are you actually asking if I am going to love my adopted child differently than a biological child?  This one is an over the top hidden fear and the answer is unequivocally NO.  I know I have the capacity to fall in love with a child at the drop of a hat, no matter where that child came from.  I know with every part of my whole being that I want to be a mom and it doesn't matter if I give birth or not, Love is Love.  Love is easy, especially when a child is involved, who couldn't love a newborn all wrapped up in your arms, no matter what color they are or if they have a medical condition.

3. Asking several different ways about our future child's race.   We have stated before that we will be going through and adoption route that leads us to a child with an african american background either partial or full because we feel this is right for us.  You continuing to ask about "what if they find one that looks like you"  "dont white babies need to be adopted"  is showing your distrust in us and our research as well as your obvious preference of not-african american children over african american ones.   We have never wavered on this point, please accept that we will be having a very diverse family.  You are making me nervous about your racist standings. 

4. Saying things like "oh dont worry you might get pregnant you just never know" and "once you adopt you will get pregnant right away" and "im still hoping/praying for a pregnancy for you.   This is probably one of my most hated type of comments.   I have beard my soul to you and told you that yes we are trying to get pregnant but all of the signs point to no... so we are spending lots of time and effort on this adoption thing.  Your off hand comments about "miracle or magical pregnancies" do not make me feel better.... in fact they make me feel like you were not listening at all.   I can see with this one you mean well, but I really dont have a "nice" retort for it.  So let me just say that these kind of comments dont feel good... they make me feel like you think adoption is second rate, that somehow a biological child is preferred and that you are wishing for me to go through risky procedures and thousands of dollars of fertility treatments so I can have a kid with some of my genetics.  Adoption is not a second best option for us, it is a way that we have chosen to grow our family and I am very fortunate that I am in the position to be able to do it.   So when I talk about adoption with you, talk about adoption with me, dont just revert back to some magical pregnancy you are praying for... cause its probably not going to happen.  A better choice of comment is "oh thats wonderful, you will be a great mom"

5. Saying things like "thats a great thing you are doing"  "that baby will be so lucky".  Here is what I feel like saying in a very sarcastic tone back at you... " Yes you are right we are saints, I am such a good person".  Not all adoptions come out of poverty. And actually, adoptive parents usually feel they are the lucky ones. We are not adopting because we want to provide an opportunity for someone for a better life. We are adopting because we want to make a family, just like other people.