Baby update

Baby update

Well a quick little update about where we are at in baby land. Remember our plan of attack?  Well I bet some were wondering when this plan was going to take place Christmas this year marks 1.5 years until we graduate.   A lot of people start trying for babies at the end of their graduate career in hopes that they will be pregnant while defending their thesis and moving on to a career.  We will be no different.  So not only did Christmas/New years mark a distinctive turn towards the end of our school days, but also a distinctive year mark for trying for a baby.  With my PCOS  an history of non-menstruation I think it will be an uphill battle ending in adoption... but we want to give it the old college try, cause who knows what will happen since we have never tried. Next Christmas/ New Year we will throw away the pills and bring on the baby making.  So Merry Christmas, and Happy 2012!  Many changes are in store for this next year.  Oh Baby.

Book Review: Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born

Book Review: Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born

This is a little different of a book review from the last two. Last time we had a PCOS information book, and an Adoption information book.   This book is actually a children's book.

Book Review of : Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis 

I came across this book when searching for adoption books.  It is not an informational book, but instead a cute childs rendering of a domestic infant adoption. 

It is a really cute story, and I about cried when I read it.  It tells a story of how the parents get a call, and take a plane ride to the hospital. They get to meet their new baby. Its about the unconditional love that the new parents feel for the baby.  How they have to travel, how the baby came from a birthmother, how they had to bring baby back on a plane and keep them protected from coughing passengers.  It perfect in every way.   I bought it, cause if we are going down the adoption road, this is exactly what it is going to be like, and I want to have this for our child.  Of course the story is light hearted and is not a detailed description of the infant adoption process, but is a wonderful age appropriate approach to the subject. 

The illustrations are bright and goofy.. lots to look at for many many re-tellings of the story.  So if you are doing domestic infant adoption.. grab this book for the kiddies, its totally worth it.

Overall I give this book a rating of 5 out of 5, a very good age appropriate approach to Infant adoption.

Christmas with a baby

Christmas with a baby

Well its that time of year... lights, eggnog, sleigh bells, falala la la la la.  This year, I still dont have a baby.  But I see all of those kids and parents enjoying christmas with santa, and vacationing and buying gifts.  It makes me long for a child more during this time of year than any other.   Here are a few things I would do if I had a baby at christmas..  (in pictures)

Dress them up in silly christmas outfits

Have lots of play time in front of our tree

Definitely have lots of professional pics taken of cute sleeping baby

Get screaming pictures taken with santa

Read The Night Before Christmas by a fireplace 

Go look at christmas lights 

Snuggle and watch christmas movies 

Of course these seem like simple things, but really what can you do with an infant at Christmas? You cant take them ice skating.  But you can love them and enjoy just being a family and starting to pass down traditions.  I love christmas.. cant wait till our first one with child.

Baby Name of the Month

Baby Name of the Month

Its that time of month again! Baby Name of the month is here, and I am bringing you one of my guilty pleasures in names today.

Holiday

Thats right, I wouldnt even think twice, I would definitely name a daughter Holiday, especially if she were born in the month of December.. which is why I chose this name to be BNOTM for this month!

So lets get into it.

First of all, I love theme names, as some might call them, names that go with the season, day, month that the child was born.. so like Autumn the popular girls name was once considered out there and weird to name your baby after a season, she is pretty normal these days.  So Holiday, would be a little out there but gosh how perfect would it be if she were born somewhere between Thanksgiving and New Years to call her Holiday.

 The name is so light and spunky, I just see a precocious little girl wearing bright clothes answering to the name Holiday.

Other places Holiday can be found?  Well who can forget the book and movie Breakfast at Tiffany's.  Her name is Holiday Golightly, she goes by Holly.  Yep thats right, one of the ultimate girly icon's name is Holiday. So it makes me love the name even more.

There was also Billie Holiday, this is a stretch cause it is a last name here, but Mariah Carey just famously name her kid after Marilyn Monroe by using her last name.

Speaking of celebrities, Nicole Kidman has a daughter Sunday Rose, so "day" names are starting to rise in use and not be so "weird" thats why I think Holiday is so perfect.  I too agree with Kidman that a "day" name is not quite as strikingly feminine so you must have a very frilly or flowery middle name to go with it..

Holiday is not in the US top 1000 names, so I love her rareness.. other good news?  Holly is only #412, so she is pretty rare as well.

Downsides to Holiday?  Well there is the obvious, I think I would get a lot of "scrunched noses" when asked what my baby's name was, but that doesnt bother me much because no matter what you name your child you will get scrunched noses. Second thing is, I am sure she would be just Holly, and while I like Holly enough, I love Holiday more and would lament the loss of the rest of the name if she started going by Holly.

 So, in conclusion.. Holiday is not on the top of the list, but i would be strongly tempted to use it for a December baby!

Domestic Infant Adoption

Domestic Infant Adoption

Catelynn Lowell from Teen Mom and boyfriend with their baby and her adoptive parents.

Ok.  So, back to the adoption talk.  The last posts were about adoption in general and a great adoption book.

This adoption thing took me to the internet. Lots and lots of googleing. There are many types of domestic infant adoption.  I will narrow it down here to : open adoption, semi-open adoption and closed adoption.

Lets start first with closed adoption.  This is the type of adoption most people think of when they think of adoption.   This type of adoption in domestic infant adoption would consist of a birthmother choosing an agency or facility to work with. The agency would then match the child with a family and keep all information from either party private.  There is no contact between birthmom, adoptive family during or post adoption. It is usually very difficult for the child to track their birthmother down post adoption. Some people really prefer this, but there is lots of controversy about it these days. Honestly this type of adoption is becoming rare, yes you can still do it, but it is becoming obsolete in domestic adoptions. If you are looking for a completely closed adoption, you might want to look into international adoption.

Semi-open adoption.  This is sort of a new term, it used to be lumped into open adoption, but is now sort of its own category.  A semi open adption can vary between situation based on what you, the agency and the birthmother agrees to.  Most often I have seen this in adoptions that happen between state lines, where they cannot see each other all the time.  The common ones I was looking at are where you and other families get matched with a birth mother by an agency.  The birthmother then looks at your profile and chooses a family.  It is a very interactive process as opposed to closed adoption. You then either meet the mother in person or on a conference call facilitated by the agency.  You are present at the hospital at the time of the birth.  Then contact sort of drops off, you do not exchange personal info such as address and contact info, all the rest of the contact is done through the agency.  Usually you send letters and pictures of the child on a yearly or semi-yearly basis, and they can send some back.  No post adoption visits usually happen.  So with this type they are getting to see the child grow up through photo albums and letters but do not have personal contact.  Some people choose to set up a separate email account and communicate that way, some people choose to visit when the child is much older.  So it varies, but the basis would be getting to know each other before the adoption takes place and continue minimal contact through the agency after the adoption takes place.

Open adoption. This is more and more prevalent today.  And if you have ever seen Catelynn on MTV's Teen Mom, she has an open adoption. Most commonly you would go through the same match and selection process as above, but the relationship grows from there. Again it is different from case to case depending on what you and the birthmother agree upon, but most common and in Catelynns scenario you also do letters and photo exchange through the agency.  No personal info is exchanged i.e. location, last names.  But the added bonus of 1-2 visitations a year is taken upon.  So your child grows up knowing their birthmother.  Sometimes this can vary greatly. I have seen stories where1-2 visits is typically the case, but then others that are very very open and even have the birthmother as a baby sitter.  So the amount of openness is at your discretion and will be discussed with you, the agency counselor and the birthmother.

These are just short introductions about the adoption types.  Not true in all cases, but is typical for most. So please do more research on it if you are interested.. I just am using this to walk through our internal thoughts and facts about our potential adoption journey.

So what do Rich and I want to do?  We are leaning at the semi-open adoption. More to continue on this subject later

Book Review: You Can Adopt

Book Review: You Can Adopt

Today's book review is linked to the last serious blog post I had about adoption In which I stated that before researching I wanted to do an international adoption, but after tons of research we have settled on domestic infant adoption.

The book today is You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide 

by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley

I would say that this book was instrumental in deciding what direction to take if we needed to go down the adoption path. 

First this book discusses the question, should we adopt.  Then it moves on and discusses all aspects of adoption from: types of adoption, financial considerations, legal considerations, emotional considerations.   There are also plenty of personal stories in the book, some happy, some sad, but all very real. Also dont forget to read the margins!  The margins contain little quick fact snip-its, quotes and dispel many stereotypes about adoption.  

This book is a great way to get acquainted with all types of adoption and does it from a very positive but real standpoint.  The book has "Reality Check lists" which is a quick check list summary of the high points of each chapter. After all of the adoption explanations it moves on to talk about the child in general.  It talks about how and when to tell the child's adoption story.  Then moves on to talk about disabilities that might arise if you chose to go down the special needs adoption path.

Overall, if you are just starting research on adoption.. I suggest this book.. It hits all of the hard questions and then tells you where to research more about them.

Overall I give this book a rating of 5 out of 5, a very good resource. 

Pregnant Women are Smug

Pregnant Women are Smug

This song is funny.. but actually is really really true! Pregnant women are so freaking smug!  I was telling my husband the other day how much I hated the saying " it doesnt matter what it is, just as long as they are healthy" .. bull crap.. I know you have a preference for a boy or a girl, why are you lying to yourself!  He showed me this video and we had a laugh, but it is totally true.  Darn Smug Pregnant Women!  Sometimes when you cant get pregnant.. you can go ahead and hate a little on those who can and are smug about it.

Enjoy!

Nursery options

Nursery options

Lets look at baby rooms.. i love baby rooms! Right now I am on this creamy dreamy nursery theme kick. I really like the idea of the only thing that dictates that it is a nursery is the crib and maybe a rocking horse. No pooh bear wall paper, no noahs ark animals everywhere, no abc's and 123's, just very well chosen creamy items.  They are "sophisticated nurseries", but still sweet and whimsical at the same time.

 Here are some I like.

Of course there is JLo's nursery.. her marriage may not have lasted, but this nursery will always be my love.

I really love this one below, and could possibly pull it off way easier than JLo's but it is still semi glam and super cute.

Who can forget the Father of the Bride nursery?

Love baby stuff!

Adoption

Adoption

Well lets get back to the subject at hand.  Having babies when you are infertile.  If you have kept up with previous posts you noticed Our Plan. We/ I have chosen to only delve slightly into infertility treatments only to go up to Clomid.  This leaves the question... if it doesn't work, then what next.  If you read "Our Plan"  you noticed that our next option was adoption. This post will talk about Adoption as it applies to us and our lives, all facts are not true for other people.

First off there are 3 main types of adoption.  International, Domestic Foster Adoption, Domestic Infant adoption, there are several different types within those groups as well... Our Choice as it stands now is Domestic Infant Adoption.... and this is how we came to this decision.

When I first started the small thoughts of adoption, with no research at all, I immediately thought that the only type I would even consider was International, and the country I wanted was China.  My nieve view of adoption was that International was "easy" and all countries wanted their orphan babies to go to America.  This is not the case.. Adoption is hard any way you do it.  I came to find out that international adoption has many problems along with its benefits (listed below)

International Adoption as we saw it
Benefits
-Children are considered orphans and parental rights do not have to be considered at all
-you can get a child from 6 months old to a teenager depending on what suits your family
-Depending on the country, you have access to medical history

Draw Backs
-The most expensive of all adoptions
-Every country has its limits, and you can only apply to one country, so if that country decides to close adoptions to the US during your application, you have to start all over again and never recoup the cost.
-Several Countries have severe drawbacks in our eyes, here is a short list of the main ones
-China's wait time as it stands is 6 years. Russia requires 2 visits, The first you meet the child and spend 1-2 weeks bonding, the second is to finalize, but a lot of times the time between the two are 2-3months, so after you have bonded with the child you must leave them in an orphanage for months before they are yours. Korea has a parent weight limit that Rich and I will never achieve. Guatemala is still working on refineing their adoption process, right now the risk of "corruption" is too high for my taste. Hot places such as India, Ethiopia, and the like are not really ones I want to visit for an extended period of time (selfish, yes.. but there it is)

Foster adoption is one that I have never been interested in.  I know a lot about the California foster system and it is flawed heavily.  These children do need wonderful parents, but it is a system that I do not wish to put my husband and my emotional sanity through.  Every state is different, but because we really want to move back to California, I have looked most highly into this one.  I will say that it takes very special people to go this route.. I am not one of them. Here are a list of the possitives and negatives.

Positives
-Usually ends up being the least expensive
-The child is brought directly to your home, and bonding and adjusting can begin right away
- You can get anywhere from a newborn to a teen depending on what suits your family
 -Placement is usually quick after approval

Negatives
-it takes about 1 year to be approved if done quickly
-most children in California are not orphan status, so you must go through parental right revoking before adoption, which varies case by case, I have seen it as short as a year to as  long as 4 years.
-Until the adoption is finalized there is always a risk of replacement which is heartbreaking
 -Really the biggest drawback is that the system is set up for reunification, as it should be, but that leaves adoptive parents out of the loop and struggling with social workers and the "system" that is not equipped to handle all the children that it has. So for this reason it is a large struggle, heartache, heartbreak and intesely long process

Domestic Infant Adoption
If you have ever seen the movie Juno, this is an example of one type of Domestic Infant Adoption where she sought out a family and they went through a single lawyer to make the "baby exchange".  This is probably the least popular type of DIA, but still a choice that can be made.  Most often a family would apply to an adoption agency and a birthmom would too, they are then matched on several factors. Every state/ agency is different but here are the basic positives and negatives.

Positives
- You will most likely either be in the room at the birth or at the hospital, so you get to see baby on their first days
-You can chose to have a relationship with the birth family (open adoption/ semi open) or not (closed adoption)
-Full medical histories are available
-If you join a large national agency there are usually financial "insurance" type set ups incase your adoption is interrupted (falls through).. all the money you have put into it is not lost
-
Negatives
-Probably the most feared is the interupted (not completed) adoption where the birth mother changes her mind at the last second.  Yes it happens, but not as often as you think
-you have to be very flexible because babies come on their own time, you really only want to start traveling to the place of birth when the mom goes into labor.. that means a middle of the night call can result in quick packing and cross country travel.
-Cost is variable on what agency, location and willingness to support the birthmother, sometimes there are a lot of hidden or unknown costs that pop up


The next post on this subject I will dive deeper into DIA and what choices we have made about it including agency/ state ect.

Baby Name of the Month

Baby Name of the Month

Its that time again to divulge into one of my favorite subjects.. BABY NAMES

Sebastian 
One of the number one reasons I love Sebastian is his association with two of my loves in life.. The Little Mermaid and Shakespeare.  Technically the little mermaid stole the names Sebastian and Ariel from the Shakespeare play The Tempest.  He is also the name of the main character of on e of my childhood favorite movies the Neverending Story.

More historically you may have heard of a little composer Johann Sebastian Bach.

I really like the way he sounds, so manly yet better and more articulate than Butch.

The drawbacks to Sebastian? He is currently ranked at #68 and climbing which is way way too popular to me. After mentioning one of the names I have loved most of my life to Rich... instead of saying wow honey thats a wonderful name for a son he says.. sounds like SEA BASS.  Thanks.

So overall I really love his connection to several cultural references but his popularity and my husbands less than enthusiastic response has put this name further down the list.. but still on the list.  Gosh I still just really love Sebastian.

Halloween Role Model

Halloween Role Model

   Let me just say that Halloween is my favorite holiday.  I love the smell of pumpkin spice, apple cider, and soup on the stove.  I love the color orange, and just really really love pumpkins. Infact it is my dream to have a halloween baby.. can you imagine the amazing birthday paries!!!   My favorite part of halloween has always been the costumes!  I grew up with a mom that didnt have much money and my costumes were homemade most years.. honestly this suited me quite well.. I was always unique and the center of attention.  I now make elaborate homemade costumes and love them! Now a days the costumes at the store are flimsy, over $50 and if you are my age the only thing available are sexy costumes... sexy cat, sexy nurse, sexy maid.  Then there are those sexy costumes that shouldnt exist.. like sexy Abe Lincoln sexy big bird, and sexy pebbles flinstone.  Why in the world have all the costume makers decided that all women should show off their boobs and hoooha at halloween?  I will never understand this, nor do I want to show up at my bosses halloween party with a bare chest.
  One thing that has come to mind this year, that I have not thought of in recent years is the fact that my children will one day want to see these pictures in our old photo albums.  Do I want my future daughter or son seeing mommies butt cleavage hang out.. no way.  It amazes me that some of my friends on facebook that have children post pictures of them going out and doing keg stands or shots in their slutty costume.  Is this really how you want your 4 year old to see you?
  I have thought of my past costumes, some might be a little scary for the average young child, but none of them have any "sexy" aspect to them.  I am proud to say that I can show all of my costume creations to my future child and let them have a laugh without being grossed out by moms boobs.  Maybe this will set a good example for my possible future daughter and she will not want to parade around in lingerie with bunny ears on halloween, but instead be unique and win costume contest with her outrageous but modest costume.

Here are some of my past homemade creations.


The exorcist

 Beetlejuice and headless woman

 Cupcake and baker... talk about being covered up!

Charlie Chaplin

Ron Weasley and Luna Lovegood 

Book Review

Book Review

I have read a few books pertaining to infertility/ adoption, so I think I am going to post my reviews on them.

The first one is this "Managing PCOS For Dummies"  by Gaynor Bussell RD


After accepting PCOS, I wanted to know what to do.  Some life decisions needed to be made and such.  The amazon description of this book looked hopeful. I was hoping for things like "how to find a doctor that is specific for this syndrome" "how to tell your family"  "what to tell your friends when they ask why you have been married for 6 years and have no children"...  I have read other "for dummies" books and liked the style of them and their information has always been valuable and instructable.

First impressions of the book were ok.  But I quickly came to realize that this is not the book i had bargained for.  I should have known what I was getting into when the main author was an RD (registered dietitian)

Ladies.. this is a diet book.  It basically says through the whole book that your PCOS is fixable by a low carb diet, exercise and diet diet diet. Also there is some holistic herb crap thrown in threw the pages.  Thanks.. not really that helpful.  I know my mid section is hefty and if I wanted a "how to diet book" I would have bought one.  I read it in 3 days hoping it would get better and have some life advice.. but it didnt.. I sold the book.

I went back to the amazon website to copy the picture of for this post and now the description is appropriate for what the book is... a way to handle pcos threw starving yourself.

Overall I give this a rating of 1 out of 5.. very poor.

Our Plan

Our Plan

Rich and I sat down a little while ago and hashed out what our plan of attack was going to be for this baby business   That talk resulted in the following plan, which i have neurotically laid out in a baby flow chart. This is a very paired down version of what will be going on.  We will of course be charting temperature and cycles, so that may make moving on down the chart quicker or slower.. ie if we are ovulating at one point on the chart but not getting pregnant, we might stay there longer to give nature some more time, conversely if we are not ovulating at certain points of the chart, we are more likely to move to the next option faster.  Last time I was off birth control I did not cycle at all, so I have a strong feeling that his is going to be a long uphill battle that will lead us down the adoption road, which is just fine with me.. but we still want to give the old fashioned way a shot.

Options

Options

Venus von Willendorf (fertility goddess figurine) 

After coming to terms with my PCOS, I started looking at options.  Now let me restate that I am a graduate student in the sciences, and have a very high capacity for learning a new subject quickly and understanding all the medical research jargon.   So once again, I went to the original research articles to see what treatments were working, the risks..  the cost analysis I had to do more by using google than research papers.  The options as I saw them were slim...  here is a list of viable treatments that I found, in the order of how they should be tried, plus a little statement of what I feel the literature says about my situation in particular as it pertains to this option

Metformin-  Doesnt really do anything involving fertility, but helps with some metabolic symptoms that may result in a slight enough change to get an egg to drop...  this does not really work for most people, it really only works for those who cycle frequently anyway, which is not me. But it is the first try for many doctors, so the chances are that if you have PCOS, this will be the first drug given.

Clomid-  this can be given at several different doses, with low risk to the womans health.. just some really annoying side effects like crazy dreams, night sweats, nausea, headaches.  Its efficacy in a lady should be seen right away with ovulation.. the chances of this working in people like me with no ovulation is said to be around 5-10%.. not very high, but worth a shot because it is non-invasive, low risk and relatively low cost compared to the next steps.  Oh let me also mention.. a women with PCOS always has a higher risk ratio for multiples, because of the way your eggs are built up.. so be aware.. if you ovulate with this drug .. it could be more than one egg.

Injectables with IUI (inter-uterine insemination)- This is a valid therapy, but now we are getting into high risk, high cost, with still a low efficacy.  The risk here is so high of uncontroled multiples for women with PCOS that many fertility clinics will not perform this procedure and suggest you go straight from clomid to IVF.   The cost here is very high.. thousands and thousands.., it is invasive, painful.. can result in hyperstimulation for women with PCOS which has very severe side effects including loss of ovaries and in some cases death. All that to say that this option is not really done on PCOS women that frequently anymore. (as a side note, Kate Gosslin has PCOS and did this option.. now she has 8 kids)

IVF- Again, because of the injectable hormones you have pain, invasiveness, expensive expensive plus an extreme risk for hyperstimulation.  The one plus with this is that they harvest the eggs, fertilize them then only put a certain number back in.. so you have way less of a risk for extreme multiples.  However, the outcomes are still really low for women in my shoes only 15-20% chance of pregnancy per cycle tried.. and each cycle is upwards of 25k without the unforeseen costs of hyperstimulation.

Adoption-  Expensive (depending on which avenue you chose), emotionally invasive, but not so much physically.. but has 100% outcome of having a child

In the next post, you will see what our plan is...  but as you probably can tell from my explanation that i really dont like the injectables and IVF options.. these options we will not be perusing because of all the research I have done, I do not feel comfortable using these options for us.  Do they work.. sure sometimes.. but with the risk analysis I did for our situation... we do not want to go down this road.  I think this is a very personal decision for each couple, and I would never be judgmental towards those that chose this path.. I would just hope that you do not go into it hastily and really really do your research to make sure this decision is right for you.

Baby Name of The Month: Lorelei

Baby Name of The Month: Lorelei

Lorelei ( Lor-eh-lie)

Why Lorelei-
This name originally comes form a German legend.  Rhine Maidens were legendary water-dwelling creatures (mermaids) responsible for luring sailors to their death on treacherous rocks with their irresistible song.  Much like sirens in the Odyssey.  The head water sprite (mermaid) gave her name to a boulder located on the Rhine river which is there today.   The spelling of the rock is Loreley but the name is always Lorelei.


So you might be thinking, why would you consider a name with such a wicked story.  Well, it is just a story.  Rich and I really love mythology and the fact that this stems from Germany, (Rich is German decent) is a plus.  I love the frilly-ness of Lorelei, she just sounds so girly.  
In the social security administration numbers released this year she ranked 531 out of the top thousand, which is great from my stand point.  This means that roughly only 536 babies were named this in 2010.. as compared to the number one name Isabella where 22731 girls were named this.  I much prefer non-popular names so they dont always have to be referred to as a secondary trait .. like Amy T. or Amy with the curly hair or fat Amy.  Naming her Lorelei, i am sure she will just be Lorelei to her friends.


Also, Marilyn Monroe played Lorelei in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.. and how can you not love a Marilyn Monroe reference.


Downsides to Lorelei-
I hate hate hate nicknames.  I love pet names like pumpkin, or cupcake, or anything like that.  I hate nicknames, where you name your child Melissa only to call her Missy for the rest of her life.. why in the world didnt you just name her Missy?  I will never understand this.  So Lorelei lends herself to being called Loren or Lorel or there is that awful one from gilmore girls Rory.  


All in all, Lorelei is very girly, with a cool history and not too popular..  but with the slight possibility of being called something other than Lorelei.   With this one draw back, she is still on the long list of possible future baby T's!

Baby Name of the Month

Baby Name of the Month

This is a series I would like to start.  I love names.. and love considering future names for my child/children. This will be something happy to post on my blog, as some of them can be rather depressing when considering my situation.  But even though i have PCOS, I will have a child!!!! So I think I am going to start profiling the names I/we like.  I am going to be honest.. we have a top girls name and a top boys name.. I will not be relieving these.  I also have a list of 50 other names, so I think we will have plenty to talk about here.  It also is good to look to the future, that someday I will have a child to name, this child may or may not be from my own womb, but that doesnt matter, he or she will be mine, they will be ours and one of the things I am most looking forward to is naming them!!!  Come back later today to see the first baby name profile.

Pink cupcakes

Pink cupcakes

Well in the last post I talked about my denial phase.. this one is where it gets real.  When it all finally hit me.

So around fall of 2008 we were settled into our new city, I threw a big halloween party, school was hard.  We started the hunt for a new dog (severus) so our little schatzi would have a friend.  Things were tough but totally fine.  I think this is when I started my PCOS research.

I started googling.. reading the normal sites.. wikipedia, web md..  stuff like that.  Now keep in mind, I am a scientist.. getting a PhD.  I have the know how to read the real research.. to read PubMed.  I would say that 95% of my research was reading primary source science articles about PCOS, about Fertility treatments and that's when it got real.

I remember discussing it slightly with Rich.  Telling him things like you know most of these women are not getting pregnant and are having severe side effects from the fertility treatments.. then they dont even get pregnant.  He listened and commented.. I still dont remember what exactly was said, but I remember my science mind turning on and just searching and searching for an answer.. a bright light.  There are none.

The first breakdown came in January 2009 ( about 9 months after diagnosis).  One of my classmates was celebrating her birthday, a princess party, and I made the most perfect pink cupcakes.  These are the darling cupcakes that sent me over the edge...

Rich ran to the store while I was putting the finishing touches on them.. he was gone maybe 15 min.  As I was finishing the cupcakes I started crying like a baby..  big ugly crying.  The thought hit me that I may never be making cupcakes for a princess party for my little girl.. i may never have one.  I just couldnt stand it.. I went and curled up in a ball on the couch and broke down.  Rich got home shortly and found me.. I think he was in shock, he thought I was hurt .. i was, but not physically .. emotionally.  I had never let the actual reality of infertility hit me until these darn pink cupcakes sat on my counter in the kitchen.

I sat and cried in his arms.. and he was perfect.. just being there, and loving me.  Thats all he had to do.

Who knew pink cupcakes could carry the weight of the world

Infertility

Infertility

Always gets me choked up.

Denial ... Not Just a River in Egypt

Denial ... Not Just a River in Egypt

Well after diagnosis of PCOS life went haywire.  Not because of the diagnosis, but because my husband and I had decided on a school to get our PhD's at, and it was 3000 miles away.  A 5 year commitment to be payed in beans while we slaved away trying to study and do research in our fields.   So this meant moving cross country to a place we had only seen for 3 days, and being poor students again.  We sold everything, packed up the toyota corolla and our only fur baby schatzi. He drove, I flew.  And we arrived in the south on July 1st.  The humidity was shocking, the bugs were the biggest I had ever seen.. and what the hell were boiled peanuts?

I remember planning our next 5 years out and discussions of trying to start a family while in graduate school.  No mention of the fact that I was infertile.. just discussions of getting pregnant possibly towards the end of all this madness.  I remember looking into the schools policy of maternity leave.. yes they have one.. which was a bonus. I remember interviewing at the school and asking current students if they had any friends with children in graduate school.. and could it be done.

3.5 years later, looking back on this time of my life I can safely say I was in big denial.  I thought it would all work out.  We would be the best students, have awesome bosses that supported family, and all Rich and I had to do was get to our 4th year and we could start thinking about baby. It would be easy.. throw the pills away, have a margarita, some lace panties... voila a baby.  I would have a beautiful baby shower, and be the envy of all the girls.  Big Big Big denial.  We talked about parenting, childcare, cute science onsies.. but never about the big factor PCOS.  I dont know what Rich was thinking.. maybe in the back of his head he was saying " wait a minute .. didnt she just tell me about problems having a baby, should I bring it up?"  maybe he was thinking "man I could really go for some tacos right now" ... who knows.  But I can tell you what I was thinking... " I have everything I have always wanted, everything else I want in life will fall into place just as I had always planned.. degree, baby, job, house.. no problem."

Denial.. Until about 6 months later, thats when things started to hit me.

Looking back, I dont regret this phase... it kept me sane through one of the most craziest times.  I dont know what would of happened had I been an emotional wreck at this point.. would we have even gone to graduate school? I have no clue.. all I know is that I was focused on the future.. and my future was bright and shiny.

PCOS a path to diagnosis

PCOS a path to diagnosis

Warning: this post is all about menstruation and can be "real" at times.. be warned.

PCOS... What is it? to be exact it is...
 Polycystic ovary syndrome is one of the most common endocrine disorders. It is a genetic disorder that can be inherited from either parent.  PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age and is thought to be  the leading causes of female infertility.


The principal features are anovulation, resulting in irregular menstruation, amenorrhea, ovulation-related infertility, and polycystic ovaries; excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones, resulting in acne and hirsutism; and insulin resistance, often associated with obesity, Type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels.


In lighter terms.. you have hormone imbalances that causes your eggs to not release, giving you little to no cycles and little to no fertility.  The hormone imbalances also cause those other symptoms which vary from person to person but can be acne, hair growth, obesity, diabetes and high cholesterol. This hormone imbalance also makes it severely hard to loose weight and correct or avoid obesity diabetes and high cholesterol. 

This is the story of me and my dark passenger (dexter reference). 

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS in March of 2008.  I had been married for 1 1/2 years, and we were NOT trying to get pregnant.  This is how my story differs from many PCOSers out there.  Most people do not find out about infertility until they give baby making a try.  I consider myself one of the lucky ones.. we were not trying and would not be trying for quite a while.

How did the diagnosis come about?  Well lets start from the beginning with a full menstrual and symptom history.

Age 11 1/2. 6th grade - first aunt flow visit
Age 12-14  7th-9th grade-  Very irregular periods some light and spotty, some like a gore horror movie something in the vane of Carrie at the prom.  But the key here was irregular.. I got my cycle maybe 3-4 times a year.. I was not worried about pregnancies or nor was I anxious to have this event every month.. so no doctor visits for me.
Age 15-17 10th-12th grade- Still same symptoms as above, but now a little weight gain around the middle, I was also very active, swimming, softball, volleyball, plus lots of academic clubs and teams so as most young girls hear from people, your period can be irregular when very active.. so this is what I thought was going on.
Age 18-21 College- Enter birth control (bc).. my first cycle was horrible, i thought I was giving birth and there was enough blood to be the truth.. actually now looking back I just hadnt had a cycle in so long I must of had lots of stuff built up. But then the regularity came.. a period every 28 days, I could even predict it down to the time of day and it was very light and only lasted 3 days.. ahhh all was right in the world.  However, I was in college for a science degree.. lots of bad habits formed in the way of eating and not being active, so the weight gain started to become more and more. Also, major migraines which i had all my life, but durring college they were frequent and terrible, lots of vomiting from pain during this time of my life.
Age 21- Prepping for marriage. I started having skin issues, darkening around my neck and my underarms. I hoped I could get a cream and it would go away before the wedding. I went to the college nurse practitioner and she mentioned PCOS and said I should go to a gyno. But that it was not fixable by a cream.  Well at this point in my life, with no health insurance, a senior in college planning a wedding.. i really didnt care nor had the motivation, nor did I even know what PCOS was.. so I didnt go.  She also did not explain PCOS and I did not do any research on my own.
Age 21-23 Marriage-  Remember those migraines?  well they got even worse.. but now I was done with the all nighters in college and had a husband with health insurance.. so off to the doc I went.  Many lifestyle changes had to be made for the migraines (which i still to this day do and they help). One change that was made was to take me off oral birth control.. i actually dont remember the science behind this.. but we did it, and this was important to my future PCOS diagnosis.  So a whole year went by.. we used alternative forms of bc.. but during that year I did not have one cycle.. not one.  So off to the doc (who is just a family doc not a gyno).. he sends me to a gyno..  and of course with my history of skin coloration, weight gain, very irregular to no cycles.. she doesnt even have to blink before she says... PCOS.  She then actually gives me the whole explanation of what it is and suddenly my whole medical history makes sense, and I agree that I fit the bill.  But to confirm she sends me back to my family doctor for blood tests and then a tech place for ultrasounds to look at the ovaries.  Well I am sure you know by now, they came out positive .. and so here I am 23 years old .. still slightly newly wed, not even trying for a baby.. and I get told I have PCOS and my chances are slim now because I do not even cycle on my own anymore.  She tells me if we are not into trying for a baby for a while, I should go back on bc to control my cycles and other symptoms, so we do a very low dose bc , I get a pat on the butt and get to go home and tell Rich.

So I tell him.. I really cant remember the reaction.  Honestly I dont remember my reaction.  Frankly we were not in the position to be thinking about children, but I knew I wanted them someday.  So I think this is when I moved into my denial phase.

The next phase in this story will be the subject of another post.  I wanted this one to be just about the diagnosis and initial reactions.

It all starts here

It all starts here

Funny how things work in life, I feel like this blog has been writing itself for years but I have not yet put it down on to actual print media.  I ask myself why, and it is probably the acceptance factor.. once I start writing it down I have to accept that this is happening.. and its happening to me, to us, to we. What am I beating around the bush about... BABIES.  Thats right babies, not just babies, but making babies or adopting babies.

So here is where we start.Stats on myself:

Name: Nicole T.
Age:   27
Marital status:  Happily Married 5.5 years (if you are doing the math I was 21 when we got married)
Fertility status: PCOS diagnosed
Mental status: anxious
Job status: Graduate student, PhD in Immunology
Kids: two fur kids


And we are off.. to start documenting the goings on in our life revolving around bringing home a baby.