Denial ... Not Just a River in Egypt

Denial ... Not Just a River in Egypt

Well after diagnosis of PCOS life went haywire.  Not because of the diagnosis, but because my husband and I had decided on a school to get our PhD's at, and it was 3000 miles away.  A 5 year commitment to be payed in beans while we slaved away trying to study and do research in our fields.   So this meant moving cross country to a place we had only seen for 3 days, and being poor students again.  We sold everything, packed up the toyota corolla and our only fur baby schatzi. He drove, I flew.  And we arrived in the south on July 1st.  The humidity was shocking, the bugs were the biggest I had ever seen.. and what the hell were boiled peanuts?

I remember planning our next 5 years out and discussions of trying to start a family while in graduate school.  No mention of the fact that I was infertile.. just discussions of getting pregnant possibly towards the end of all this madness.  I remember looking into the schools policy of maternity leave.. yes they have one.. which was a bonus. I remember interviewing at the school and asking current students if they had any friends with children in graduate school.. and could it be done.

3.5 years later, looking back on this time of my life I can safely say I was in big denial.  I thought it would all work out.  We would be the best students, have awesome bosses that supported family, and all Rich and I had to do was get to our 4th year and we could start thinking about baby. It would be easy.. throw the pills away, have a margarita, some lace panties... voila a baby.  I would have a beautiful baby shower, and be the envy of all the girls.  Big Big Big denial.  We talked about parenting, childcare, cute science onsies.. but never about the big factor PCOS.  I dont know what Rich was thinking.. maybe in the back of his head he was saying " wait a minute .. didnt she just tell me about problems having a baby, should I bring it up?"  maybe he was thinking "man I could really go for some tacos right now" ... who knows.  But I can tell you what I was thinking... " I have everything I have always wanted, everything else I want in life will fall into place just as I had always planned.. degree, baby, job, house.. no problem."

Denial.. Until about 6 months later, thats when things started to hit me.

Looking back, I dont regret this phase... it kept me sane through one of the most craziest times.  I dont know what would of happened had I been an emotional wreck at this point.. would we have even gone to graduate school? I have no clue.. all I know is that I was focused on the future.. and my future was bright and shiny.