Pink cupcakes

Pink cupcakes

Well in the last post I talked about my denial phase.. this one is where it gets real.  When it all finally hit me.

So around fall of 2008 we were settled into our new city, I threw a big halloween party, school was hard.  We started the hunt for a new dog (severus) so our little schatzi would have a friend.  Things were tough but totally fine.  I think this is when I started my PCOS research.

I started googling.. reading the normal sites.. wikipedia, web md..  stuff like that.  Now keep in mind, I am a scientist.. getting a PhD.  I have the know how to read the real research.. to read PubMed.  I would say that 95% of my research was reading primary source science articles about PCOS, about Fertility treatments and that's when it got real.

I remember discussing it slightly with Rich.  Telling him things like you know most of these women are not getting pregnant and are having severe side effects from the fertility treatments.. then they dont even get pregnant.  He listened and commented.. I still dont remember what exactly was said, but I remember my science mind turning on and just searching and searching for an answer.. a bright light.  There are none.

The first breakdown came in January 2009 ( about 9 months after diagnosis).  One of my classmates was celebrating her birthday, a princess party, and I made the most perfect pink cupcakes.  These are the darling cupcakes that sent me over the edge...

Rich ran to the store while I was putting the finishing touches on them.. he was gone maybe 15 min.  As I was finishing the cupcakes I started crying like a baby..  big ugly crying.  The thought hit me that I may never be making cupcakes for a princess party for my little girl.. i may never have one.  I just couldnt stand it.. I went and curled up in a ball on the couch and broke down.  Rich got home shortly and found me.. I think he was in shock, he thought I was hurt .. i was, but not physically .. emotionally.  I had never let the actual reality of infertility hit me until these darn pink cupcakes sat on my counter in the kitchen.

I sat and cried in his arms.. and he was perfect.. just being there, and loving me.  Thats all he had to do.

Who knew pink cupcakes could carry the weight of the world